Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Queer, Trans, Intersex, Asexual and other types of (LGBQTIA+) students are prone to face more challenges than the average student. Being “different” because of something you can’t control can isolate a teenager from social circles. This isolation is unfortunately expected to happen to queer students, especially in high school. But what happens when you can’t even go to the people who are supposed to help you no matter what?  

  Parents play a pivotal role in an adolescent’s development, but rejection from your guardians can cause tremendous harm. How do these LGBTQIA+ students navigate through life with parents who don’t agree with the person they are? 

Surviving 

  G.V., a pansexual freshman, shared their thoughts on growing up with strict parents whom they doubt will accept their sexuality. “It’s really difficult,” they said. “Since I was raised to tell them everything. It feels like I’m keeping something from them which isn’t very ideal, since I don’t really feel safe with them due to possible consequences I can receive for coming out.”  

  T.M., who is also pansexual, and a transgender male, shared, “Growing up with stricter parents made it hard for me to feel as if I had any sort of identity. I grew up walking on eggshells to try and keep it hidden.” He explained how he was often told he was “confused” when he tried to make an attempt at coming out. He also explained how his parents often told him that his coming out would affect his other family members. Due to this, he stopped trying to be understood. “Being told that I was ‘confused’ was what made me have serious doubts, and I developed massive insecurities,” he said.  

The Restrictions 

   Strict parents impose more restrictions on their children compared to the average parent due to their authoritarian parenting styles. Ernesto, a gay male sophomore, said, being into “girly” things as a child was immediately rejected by his parents. “I was very into Disney princesses and women’s clothes,” he said, “and my parents really didn’t like that since they were more close-minded.”  

   A lesbian sophomore named J.M. said, “My mother always made it subconsciously clear that she didn’t want me to be a lesbian, so I had to downgrade my identity and feelings, basically restricting my overall experience as a child due to the lack of freedom.” 

How is Mental Health Affected? 

  G.V. shared how their parents affected their personality and behavior. They said, “Their strictness made me a bit of a liar. I hid a lot of things from them, and I still do because I can’t put certain things out there, mostly out of fear of what would happen to me if I said the truth, especially since my mom is extremely conservative.” 

  C.S., a bisexual and transgender male sophomore, shared, “It made me feel like no one was really there for me. Like, truly. It felt like love always had strings attached.” 

  T.M. said his parents’ strictness ruined his self-esteem. He shared, “I couldn’t speak up about any of my issues or concerns, and if I did, it’d always be dismissed. I started internalizing a lot and I suffer with severe attachment and trust issues to this day because of this.” 

Is there Support? 

Support from peers is fundamental for LGBTQIA+ adolescents. Ernesto shared, “I was lucky enough to find support in my friends whenever I needed advice or emotional support.”  

 J.M. found support from peers in another way. She said, “I was able to find support via the internet, where there were communities that accepted every person in every shape or form, thus leading me to open my eyes and accept who I am.”

Can Parents Change? 

Moving on from outdated beliefs is understandably difficult; however, progress counts. T. M. said, “They’ve somewhat changed. My mother ended up finding out about my partner who is another transgender man, and she was not fond about the relationship considering it had been kept under her nose for three years. However, she wasn’t as angry as she would’ve been a couple years before, but he often feels the effects of knowing he can’t go to his own mother regarding identity issues because “I doubt she’ll ever understand.” He explained that his father is still clueless about the situation. 

 On a more positive note, Ernesto shared that his parents have changed quite a lot. He said, “At first, they didn’t want to accept their son was gay. When I told them, they learned to embrace my sexuality.” 

How are they Navigating? 

  G.V. shared that they often jot down their thoughts in a journal when they’re feeling stressed and especially love to take out their frustrations in the form of art. They said, “Spending time with friends and also just taking myself out of negative situations is what is getting me through this period in my life.”  

  J.M. said, “I try to release the stress and tension on social media platforms or gaming apps since it gives me time to disassociate.” 

Can a Strained Relationship Heal? 

  T.M. shared that there is hope for adolescents going through this situation.  “I’ve managed to grow a little bit closer with my mother as time has progressed,” he said. “I assume she’s realizing that as I age, I’ll choose who I want to be on my own.” 

  C.S. said, “My relationship with my parents, especially my mom, is getting better. The more I talk to her about myself and what I go through, the closer we get.” 

 The Advice for Struggling Teens from Struggling Teens 

J.M. suggests finding individuals who are facing similar struggles. She said, “Finding people who are willing to support you and whatever your heart desires is important. Staying strong to your ground while having a positive support system will help you in your journey. It takes a lot of courage and patience for every individual person who is struggling with strict expectations—But remember that your current timeline doesn’t stay the same forever.”

  T.M. explained how finding people who understand you is crucial, and that perspective is the biggest challenge. “Dealing with parents who aren’t that supportive can feel like the end of the world, but having those people that get you—even if it’s very few—can help tremendous amounts,” he said. “You don’t have to do this alone.”